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Hi,

It’s been a while. Have you been well? It has been 86 days today since we had our painful convo. I think I can now comfortably say that I am okay and peaceful. I still remember you from time to time, but the pain has become less and less.

Each day I breathe, your name still pass through my mind. I wonder how you are, where you are, and if you’re okay. I know you told me that I have to let myself be mad, but I find it so hard when I have so much unspent love that I didn’t get to show or make you feel. There are times when I get pissed by how you handled everything – I’d get mad when I think of your disrespect, and how you fooled me into thinking we’re friends. Those will come to me but only during melancholic moments, and once I cried it out, I immediately forget all about it. Despite everything that has happened, you gave something more valuable than the lesson from the pain – it’s the capability to feel love once again. I dont think Im hopelessly in love with you, but Im certain I can and will be if we ever had the chance. The reason why it’s painful is not because of how deep my feelings were, but rather the potential that my feelings holds. I realized now how much love Im capable of giving. All this time, I thought I was numb – unable to yield unconditional feelings for anyone. It’s painful to think that I won’t get to show this feelings to the person who made me feel this way for the very first time again.

Fast forward to January – I still find myself going into relapse from time to time. At this point, it seems I have forgotten the painful memories, and was left with all the good ones. It’s frustrating because my heart knows how much you’ve hurt me, and yet my brain seemed to choose to forget all about it. I keep remembering the good times, the way you were there when I needed to vent, the way you always reach out when topic dwindles down, the way you try to be careful with your words and ensure you use the right terms to not hurt my feelings, your comforting presence, and hugs. My brain just miss all of it. I miss the good version of you. I keep wondering how did I lost you. Was it something that I did? Something I failed to do? I keep replaying everything, and in every versions, my brain told me I am partly to blame for losing you. I’m sorry – I wish I was better. I wish I was more aware of your feelings. I wish I could’ve met you where you were before you left that phase. I was only able to meet after you left there, and I blame myself for it. I shouldn’t have, but I do.

I had our conversation deleted on your side – I could no longer go back. I will be carrying this until I forget about it. This love letter will serve as my confession of pain, love and regret. You will still be that guy – but I’ll forget about you someday.

Thank you for everything, P – and I’m deeply sorry.

Apparently, I made this prompt years ago. Idk when but it was left in my drafts untouched with nothing but the title. So I decided to pick this up and continue where I left off.

My thoughts back then is probably different from what I have in the present, but the fact that I still have something to write means this simple reminder will still endure even as time has passed.

I’m going through a lot of things right now. I am emotionally in pain, I am in my most down moment of my mid 20s that coping is no longer working. Ever since I got over my depression phase on my teen years, I was alwasy strong and detached. Everything may still bother me but nothing has ever made me go back to hurting myself.

Until this moment.

Sounds dramatic? It isn’t. That’s really how I feel even as I am typing this.

Being in my mid 20’s I now have the awareness of the wrong choices and decisions I made as an early 20s folk. No, I don’t regret it, but the what ifs linger from time to time.

I have to remind myself that I’m just a 16 year old in my 20s who’s navigating life alone. I am not perfect. I have lapses. I have my ups and downs. I have my mistakes. I have my achievements (no matter how big or small). And I have the rest of my life ahead of me.

While I didn’t do everything perfectly, I am sure I always tried my best to be the best version of myself. I don’t have to compare myself to anyone because I am the sole standard I want to beat.

I will keep upgrading, improving, and learning. I have all the time to be better.

So no matter what mistakes or challenge come my way, I will always put my 100% to overcome them.

I don’t have to beat myself up. The fact that I’m alive, I’m already doing great.

I have always been a quiet kid. People deduced it as being shy but I see it as being reserved. Only opens up when they feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable.I’m an expressive kid, and even before then I always feel and care deeply to everything around me. They call me a cry baby and sensitive for feeling those things, but I never took it to heart.

Over the years, I continued as the expressive and reserved kid, but much more careful and discerning. Too careful that I didn’t realize how high my walls had become. I guess, like any other human, I was deeply affected after all? I can still make friends, but it takes a lot of effort to put down those walls I had built. It was tougher than my resolve to make friends so I ended up losing some of the friends I made, and it takes years before I can make one again.

I am hyper aware of who I am, what I am, and what I want to become and accomplish. Part of the goals I wanted to achieve is to be able to function normally without trying so hard to let people in. I am lucky enough that all the people I met have immeasurable patience to get to know me. They never gave up, and were always supportive. I was able to let them in and they have filled the void that I never knew I missed before my walls were even built. One particular person was able to trench and completely dig and crush all those walls.

No, they were not a romantic interest.

No, we were not romantic.

No, we never dated.

It was plain and platonic as it could get, until it didn’t. How do I want to tell this story? Perhaps at the very beginning?

No — I think spoiling the end would be better.

Unlike any other story, mine was anything but a happy ever after. A story that was not closed with anger, manipulation, and toxicity, but with silence, ambiguity, unspoken tenderness, and a lot of hurt.

We met as a form of escape. We were each others’ soft distraction, but never meant to be each others’ destination. There were no expectations and promises, it was light, easy, casual. It was the most ideal friendship or situation I have ever experienced that the convenience and comfort has made me decide to dismantle a wall that was never knocked down before and could never be built up again. I have no interest on anything other than the one we currently have, but that person has softened all my walls and barriers that they were able to free the kid in me that has always desperately try to escape from the shackles of the past. I never knew how much I missed falling for a person until that moment.

I didn’t think that being seen would make me feel so vulnerable to trust them enough with my heart. They offered comfort during the times I am in doubt and feeling overwhelmed, they respected my feelings and depth, and they hold space and time for me to adjust and open up. I appreciated it so much that I reciprocated those efforts. What I thought was just my politeness, was actually me starting to fall in love with the person I shouldn’t fall for. When I realized what was happening, it was too late to go back. They started to change, they offered less of their time and attention, and they no longer considered my feelings. I convinced myself that those were not out of cruelty. They were just incapable to handle accountability to what has become of us. There’s a chance that I’m kidding myself, but I refuse to believe everything was a lie.

I see the short responses, I see the delays, I see the inconsistency, I see the withheld truths, and I see the flickering presence. It’s not a mistake, it was bound to happen. They arent sure of me. I was just not that person for them. I knew this but stayed — was I expecting for more? Partly, maybe. I was forced to be in a place of limbo, wondering if what I feel is real or just a fragment of my imagination. I wanted to confirm it.

We talked daily, shared parts of ourselves that was never shared before and were honest with everything, and yet somehow, we are ambiguously attached, with no clear boundary to stop from. So many words were exchanged and yet the important ones remained unspoken. We care for each other, and yet it failed to show the true affection that wanted to surface. The longing, unbounded boundary and unclear intention made everything so confusing that — what was once a safe place became an unsafe territory that questions your worth and reflects your insecurity. I hated that, but I never showed it. Enduring that for months was difficult, until I couldn’t any more and decided to let go — they didn’t stop me but also didn’t let go of me. How does that even happen? It’s partly my fault, I like them so I sacrificed my boundary and comfort. It’s a delicate situation that one wrong move will make it all collapse. And it did. One misunderstanding was all it took. Just like my feelings, I also knew this is bound to happen. And because I was aware of everything, I empathized with how they felt so I never lashed out or hang an apology and honesty that I deserve above their head. He was gone ever since then.

They left with a promise of going back to me once their emotional, mental, and physical being has balanced out. When did it ever for anyone? I wasn’t stupid, they must think I was. I didn’t correct them, I went on my way, focused on my life and felt okay for once despite the hollow feeling of sudden emptiness in my daily routine of conversation. I was lonely but I was okay and thriving. Unexpectedly, they did come back. They came back for a closure that they believe I deserve.

Allow me to summarize the outcome of the closure conversation — I removed my energy from that grim experience. I blocked and removed them from my life.

I’m confused if this is conventional but the closure they gave was anything but for me. Months, I grieved alone, never held grudges, never chased him and for answers, and never demanded anything. When that closure was brought up, the pain has resurfaced with a whiplash that I didn’t have anything to ground myself in to prevent myself from spiraling. There was no disclaimer, just bomb of truths that are meant to set me free yet here I am. I wish I could say it word for word but just remembering them, makes me feel nauseous. I couldn’t cope no matter how hard I tried. I recognize the sentiment of the revelation, but it lacks consideration and respect — I couldn’t process it with them in my line of field so I blocked them.

I wish I could put into words how difficult my last three weeks were. My emotions were erratic, I cry randomly, I keep questioning my worth, just when I thought I poured everything out, the realization will suddenly crash down on me that it was real, we no longer have anything that connects us. I kept going back, replaying everything that was said and that has happened, I feel blindsided, betrayed, and used. The friendship I thought we built was all an imagination that they used to get what they want. I questioned everything they did, I did, and everything that we shared — was that all a lie? I was sure it wasn’t.

With all the hurt and regret that I feel, a wave of realization has dawn on me. It wasn’t a betrayal, they didn’t blindside me, it was an inevitable outcome between a person that wants to express their longing, and a person who is unable to accept them. It’s not even about reciprocation, it’s about the inability to accept the warmth that was given to them. I wasn’t used unknowingly, I let them despite their actions. I wasn’t taken advantage of, I was just honest and they just basked in it willingly. It was my choice to give all the warmth and care, I knew what was happening — then why does it hurt so much? It was because I was left in a limbo, discarded when things became difficult, then when the guilt creeped up to them, they made me shoulder all the pain. I couldn’t let myself be disrespected even more than I have. I know I deserve better.

I realized then, how much silence I endured just to keep them in my life. I silenced my pain, boundary, thoughts, and feelings just to protect that person. They took all of those things as green light to further push me to the edge and expect me to be okay with it. I wanted to keep them in my life so much that even when they lied to my face, I accepted it and never confronted them about it. No matter how much

They remained silent even when they knew I was hurting. They stayed quiet even when I was falling apart. The one time they decided not to be silent was the one and only time I wanted them to be. A lot of things were said but also remained unsaid. A lot of words were exchanged, but I still feel estranged. I wonder how to make of that closure. Maybe I never will.

The silence between us was never given the right timing to be revealed. I still wonder if that was for the better or if that was the reason of our demise.

I’m still hurting from everything that has happened, but I no longer feel regretful. That person will remain an important story of my life, but they will never be resurfaced again. They will remain just that — silence from my past.