Hi,
It’s been a while. Have you been well? It has been 86 days today since we had our painful convo. I think I can now comfortably say that I am okay and peaceful. I still remember you from time to time, but the pain has become less and less.
Each day I breathe, your name still pass through my mind. I wonder how you are, where you are, and if you’re okay. I know you told me that I have to let myself be mad, but I find it so hard when I have so much unspent love that I didn’t get to show or make you feel. There are times when I get pissed by how you handled everything – I’d get mad when I think of your disrespect, and how you fooled me into thinking we’re friends. Those will come to me but only during melancholic moments, and once I cried it out, I immediately forget all about it. Despite everything that has happened, you gave something more valuable than the lesson from the pain – it’s the capability to feel love once again. I dont think Im hopelessly in love with you, but Im certain I can and will be if we ever had the chance. The reason why it’s painful is not because of how deep my feelings were, but rather the potential that my feelings holds. I realized now how much love Im capable of giving. All this time, I thought I was numb – unable to yield unconditional feelings for anyone. It’s painful to think that I won’t get to show this feelings to the person who made me feel this way for the very first time again.
Fast forward to January – I still find myself going into relapse from time to time. At this point, it seems I have forgotten the painful memories, and was left with all the good ones. It’s frustrating because my heart knows how much you’ve hurt me, and yet my brain seemed to choose to forget all about it. I keep remembering the good times, the way you were there when I needed to vent, the way you always reach out when topic dwindles down, the way you try to be careful with your words and ensure you use the right terms to not hurt my feelings, your comforting presence, and hugs. My brain just miss all of it. I miss the good version of you. I keep wondering how did I lost you. Was it something that I did? Something I failed to do? I keep replaying everything, and in every versions, my brain told me I am partly to blame for losing you. I’m sorry – I wish I was better. I wish I was more aware of your feelings. I wish I could’ve met you where you were before you left that phase. I was only able to meet after you left there, and I blame myself for it. I shouldn’t have, but I do.
I had our conversation deleted on your side – I could no longer go back. I will be carrying this until I forget about it. This love letter will serve as my confession of pain, love and regret. You will still be that guy – but I’ll forget about you someday.
Thank you for everything, P – and I’m deeply sorry.
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