I haven’t been honest to myself for a really long time.
I always thought I’m smart in a sense that I have the keen awareness to recognize what is right and wrong because I always notice the little things that other people miss and I always feel what other people feels in the room. I thought this is my moral compass, having the ability to see and feel the room is a gift to maintain a peaceful relationship. In noticing these things, I have learned to adapt and act in favor of the situation and other people.
I can’t recall exactly when and how this jelled in my head, but I think ever since as a kid I have always been this way. I always notice people’s pattern and I have learned to adjust to them. For a time, this always works in my favor, I never got into a fight as a kid, I’m always favored by adults as the most obedient and nice kid, and getting to be friends with different groups in school is quite easy. Would I say this still works now? Yes always has been and it has also landed me a good and real friends along the way as we share the same beliefs. It has also helped me create moral values that I know I will want to hold for the rest of my life and is aligned on a person I want to become.
However, this is not without a caveat, and this is where I have to reveal and admit that this pattern is not the true moral compass I thought it was. See, I know that life is a harsh world and reality, and providing ease and healing for other people has always motivated me to choose kindness and convenience for overall good, but then, I realized – is someone doing the same for me? No. Should I expect someone to be that way to me? No. For so long, I think I have told myself that being selfless was always the right thing to do, that no matter what I do, as long as I’m selfless, nothing bad will happen. I no longer feel this holds true. I am not without flaws, I still have my selfish moments, and in times when I did so, I feel extremely guilty that I will then try to undo it or compensate in some form, like being nice to people who I know have done me wrong and force myself to forgive them to keep the peace and remove the chaos I thought I created. I can’t cite one instance on how often this pattern happens because it’s always different, however the outcome will always be the same, I am always the one left without peace.
This pattern has led me to have a build up resentment and frustration to those people, but most of it is towards myself. Why me? Because I can’t possibly hold them accountable for something I knowingly chose to do. That is when resentment builds up, when I realized no accountability was made because I chose to cater their comfort more than mine. Frustration – because once it happens again I feel like I’m obliged to remain understanding because I chose to ignore it the first time. This realization is extremely uncomfortable, as this clashes on the built belief I held ever since I was a kid. The thing that I thought was the right thing to do has put me in an uncomfortable predicament that makes me hate myself. That is when it started to feel that the supposed moral compass I had was not a real moral compass.
I think I’m subconsciously aware of it already, but it is only recently when it really surfaced in my head that it forced me to ponder over it and made me really think the situation I always get myself into. Was I always a victim? Or in some form or way did I inadvertently cause myself to be in that situation? For the sake of this ponder moment, I would like to first say that this doesn’t absolve what other people did, but I do admit, I think the repetitive situation is partly because I have always catered to their comfort and not mine. This admission isn’t so much difficult as it is painful – and that pain is what unsettles me that’s why I haven’t really been honest to myself. Why do I decide to face this now? Something happened that I don’t really want to disclose but it has made me really ponder on this so I won’t be on the same situation again.
Well – wish me luck. 🙂
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